I was recently listening to a podcast about the Enneagram (of course). It was a panel discussion. One girl, who is an Enneagram 3, shared that she used to think she was an Enneagram 2 (so did I) because she wanted to be liked by others. But then she realized that she wanted people to like her more than they liked anyone else. She wanted to be liked the best. This really resonated with me. I realize that I can’t be everyone’s favorite, but I would sure like to be!
I remember in 6th grade my best friend told me she had 3 best friends. THREE. I was devastated. Yes, I was one of the three, but still. I don’t know if I was more bothered by the fact that she had THREE best friends (which seemed wrong by the mere sense of the word) or that I wasn’t standing out as her favorite. Update: I recovered. We are still friends. 41 years strong.
I want to matter. I want to matter to the people in my life. I want my words to matter. I want to do thing that matter for others.
And I want to be successful doing it.
I’ve been wanting to have a blog for several years. I have written a few times here and there but, I’ve never been able to stick with it. I think because I didn’t think that what I had to say mattered enough. My life isn’t that interesting. I am not sure I have that much to contribute that will matter to you.
The more accurate thing is that I DO think that what I have to say matters, but I am not sure that other people would agree. What I do does matter..but I don’t get to choose who it matters to. I think that is the hard part.
So it isn’t so much that I devalue myself but maybe that people haven’t figured out or understood my value. I am not sure what that says about myself. Maybe I have an inflated view of myself.
I love to share. Probably too much. I feel incomplete until I’ve shared something. Sometimes I just need to share with one person, sometimes it is with several. Sometimes sharing with myself (journaling) is enough, but not often.
I simultaneously desire to share while being fearful of it. I second guess myself – a lot. I rewrite texts and internet posts often. You should see how many times I’ve edited and added to this post over the last 2 or 3 days.
I used to think I didn’t care what people think. I now know that isn’t true. I do care. So much. Too much.
I want to matter, but fear that I will fail to matter. I want to share but fear that it will be meant with a lack of interest, misunderstanding or conflict. I want to share but fear that I don’t have enough knowledge to know what I am talking about.
One of my goals for 2020 was to be more vulnerable. To be willing to share more of myself and to be more honest with how I feel.
So here I go.
I did not intend for that to mean that I was going to write about it and share if publicly. Side Note: I wanted a better name for this blog but I have close to zero creativity.
But, we are living in strange times. My whole life is filled with things I didn’t expect right now.
Maybe I will change my mind and this will be another failed attempt. Maybe it won’t bring value to anyone’s life. Maybe this blog won’t even matter…to you. However, I am guessing that it will provide some personal growth for me. So for now I write because it matters…to me.
Till next time…#ThoughtsofBridget
Thoughts of Bridget 