Just Mercy – Part 4

Our Broken System & Racism and Mass Incarceration

This is a continuation of my thoughts about the book and movie, Just Mercy. If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to read Part 1 first.

Obviously there have been some issues of racism in the first 2 parts of my posts. I wanted to finish this up by hitting more on the racism aspect of our failed system.

“Consider the Supreme Court case of McCleskey v. Kemp, which presented convincing empirical evidence that the race of the victim is the great predictor of who gets the death penalty in the United States. The study conducted for that case revealed that offenders in Georgia were eleven times more likely to get the death penalty if the victim was white than if the victim was black. These findings were identical in ever other state where studies about race and the death penalty took place. In Alabama, even though 65 percent of all homicide victims were black, nearly 80 percent of the people on death row were for crimes against victims who were white. Black defendant and white victim pairings increased the likelihood of a death sentence even more.“

Towards the end of his book, Bryan says that he was able to launch a race and poverty initiative. He wanted to start a project to change the way we talk about racial history and how it affects today’s race issues. He said that “so much of our worst thinking about justice is steeped in the myths of racial indifference.” He goes on to say that he believes there are four institutions in American History that have shaped our approach to race and justice and that remain poorly understood.

The first and most obvious is slavery.

The second is the reign of terror against people of color that followed the collapse of Reconstruction through World War II.

“Older people of color in the South would occasionally come up to me after speeches to complain about how antagonized they feel when they hear news commentators talking about how 9/11 was the first act of domestic terrorism in America. The racial terrorism of lynching in many ways created the modern death penalty. America’s embrace of speedy execution was, in part, an attempt to redirect the violence of lynchings while assuring white Southerners that black men would still pay the ultimate price.

Another practice that is now well known to most Americans is convict leasing. Convict leasing was introduced at the end of the nineteenth century to criminalize former enslaved people and convict them of nonsensical offenses so that freed men, women and children could be “leased” to businesses and effectively forced back into slave labor. Private industries throughout the country made millions of dollars with free convict labor, while thousands of African Americans died in horrific work conditions.

Racial terror and the constant threat created by violently enforcing racial hierarchy were profoundly traumatizing for African Americans, creating all kinds of psycho social distortions and difficulties that still manifest themselves today.“

A third institution are Jim Crow laws which legalized racial segregation and suppression of basic rights that defined America from 1876 to 1965.

“It seems to me that we’ve been quick to celebrate the achievements of the civil rights movement and slow to recognize the lasting damage of marginalization and subordination done in that era.“

Bryan told a story of a Midwest judge that walked into a court room and assumed he was a client simply because he was black. He laughed it off to not disadvantage his client by speaking up but was disheartened saying…

“Of course innocent mistakes occur, but constantly being underestimated, suspected, accused, watched, doubted, distrusted, presumed guilty, and even feared is a burden borne by people of color that can’t be understood or confronted without a deeper conversation about our history of racial injustice.“

The fourth institution Bryan wrote about is mass incarceration.

“Going into any prison is deeply confusing if you know anything about the racial demographics of America. The extreme overrepresentation and disproportionate sentencing of racial minorities, the targeted prosecution of drug crimes in poor communities, the criminalization of new immigrants and undocumented people, the political consequences of disenfranchising black voters – essentially, denying black people the right to vote, and the barriers to reentering the world after incarceration can only be fully understood through the lens of racial history.”

So that sums up what I learned from one of most impactful and heartbreaking books I’ve ever read. I wish I had the answers. I wish I had the power and influence. The overhaul that our systems need seems so insurmountable. I hope reading this makes an impression and affects a change in your heart. That is what reading the book did for me.

Part 2: Our broken system and children Part 3: Our broken system and women

A New Normal

This week we find our new normal.

For the past 6 years, our normal has been home schooling.  Home schooling was never in my plan. In fact, just this morning thanks to TimeHop, I was reading comments on a post from 2009 in which I joked about having to home school because Emily wasn’t interested in potty training. Nine years ago there was nothing normal about homeschooling — at least not in my mind.

God had another plan.

This week, Emily will start the 5th grade in public school. This is a pretty significant change in the routine for both Emily and I. For instance, As I start this, it’s just before 8am. I have been “ready” for 30 minutes. I normally get up between 8 and 8:15. That is just one of many changes we will feel as we figure out this new normal. I’ll be honest, most of them aren’t eagerly anticipated changes for either of us.

I didn’t dislike home schooling. Emily is a terrific, independent, quick learner. It didn’t require a lot of hands on teaching. God had been placing on my heart for awhile that 5th grade might be the year to put her in public school. On paper it makes a lot of sense as being the ideal year for the transition. Every 5th grader in Plain is coming together at a new school. In theory, she shouldn’t feel like the new kid, because everyone is new.

Without total peace or confidence, we decided that God was calling us to put her in public school. Partially that was because of the above reasoning. It comes down to this: I don’t EVER want to be the thing that holds Emily back from reaching her full potential because I didn’t give her enough educational opportunities. Our current situation limits her opportunities. Home schooling has many options and opportunities, but due our current situation (I work full time), I couldn’t offer all of those to Emily.

Although, I knew I was doing the right thing, God’s thing, I still have had uneasiness about it. Sometimes it comes and goes. Sometimes I feel pretty good about it. The last few days I’ve started to question it. I remember all the reasons why I preferred home school over public school. I’m nervous. I’m second guessing myself. Did I hear God correctly? I’m scared for Emily.

I have two big fears.

Emily has been the easiest child I’ve ever known. I am not sure why God blessed us with her, but I am so glad that he did. Aside, from some sleepless nights in the first 18 months of her life, raising Emily has been a breeze.

Emily is a rule follower and a people-pleaser. She’s mature and independent, yet always wants to be with people – people that she knows and is comfortable being around – usually her family or her best friends. Emily is cooperative and helpful. She lacks the tween (or pre-tween) attitude I hear so much about. Plain and simple, she’s just an easy child. Doesn’t hurt that she’s my mini me 🙂

I worry that public school will ruin this. We have been able to limit her influence to what we have chosen for the first (almost) 11 years of her life. I am losing some of that control. I can’t say that Emily is well behaved and an easy child strictly because of lack of influence, but I am sure it is a factor. Am I shooting myself in the foot???

My next fear is that this will crush her spirit. Emily has enjoyed shopping for her new things. I’ll be honest. She needed NO new clothes. Shopping was the one way I could make this appealing. So she has all of her supplies, decor for her locker and new clothes that she really doesn’t need.

On a daily basis, you might not know she doesn’t want to go or how nervous she is. She’s pleasant and can even talk about certain aspects of school in what seems like a positive light. She is excited about her new stuff and will happily show it off. I know she will like Creative Movement (“dance” in lieu of gym). She talks about high school – when two of her best friends will be under the same roof.

But if you ask her, she will always say she doesn’t want to go. I don’t blame her, I really don’t. When you weigh the pros and cons, it isn’t well balanced. My hope is that public school will offer her many opportunities to make the most of her education. Beyond that, there isn’t a lot of positives (compared to her recent home schooling situation). I don’t expect her to be excited about all the opportunities she will have down the road. At least I don’t expect her to see that at 10 years old.

It’s been clear Emily doesn’t want to go. However, in true Emily fashion, she’s not causing us trouble. She doesn’t fight me on it. She doesn’t beg me not to make her go or to change my mind. We talked about this potential change for months before we decided, so it wasn’t a shock to her. Deep down I do think she trusts our decision. She just doesn’t like it.

So this week, we figure out our new normal. I am not sure which of us will be more nervous. I’ll be emotional. We will both be tired.

If she doesn’t cry (or want to) this week, it will feel like a victory. If I don’t cry, it might a miracle.

Sometimes God uses ME….

Recently our Pastor preached a sermon entitled Jesus is Working Behind the Scenes. I highly recommend it. You can watch it here:

Jesus is Working Behind the Scenes

The premise is that Jesus knows what he is doing. Jesus can do anything he wants, but many times he uses other people to accomplish his plans. This wasn’t a new concept to me. This is something I firmly believe. I think that God puts people in our lives to guide us and provide wisdom. I have experienced this many times in the past and continue to see it today.

As I was listening to this very moving sermon, I continued to think about how this would provide a good life lesson for Danielle. Actually, I have tried to talk about this to her many times, but I haven’t gotten her to really buy in. I think internally she knows, but trusting me isn’t really her thing these days. I was excited to be able to share it with her and then talk about it to see if maybe it would make a difference.

You see, I know without a shadow of doubt that God put Danielle and I together for a reason. A reason that goes beyond that she is my husband’s daughter. I remember very early on that I thought we could do a better job or be better parents to her. This wasn’t a pride issue. It really was about just wanting to provide a better life for her. God gave us that opportunity almost 6 years ago. I actually remember thinking when she was young that someday she would end up with us. It played out different in my head, obviously. However, I just had this feeling. I dismissed it, but it did exist. I even remember thinking that it would be at about age 14. Danielle came to live with us just days before her 14th birthday.

I know that God’s timing is perfect and that he knows what He is doing. Danielle came to live with us just 8 months after we made our way back to church and started living a life for Jesus. Although Danielle struggles with this timing and often wonders why it didn’t happen sooner, It is very clear to me.

It was made clear (in stages) that Danielle needed more than her mom was providing. God has been equipping me (sometimes by providing the right people in my life) to help her through these tough years. Some days I feel unqualified. However, I know that means I must not be paying attention or I am missing something or maybe I am still learning. This is a work in progress for all of us. Although this is more complicated than I expected, in the end, I do trust that God knows what he is doing. I know Danielle needs me. It is extremely hard when she doesn’t see it, but I know in time, it will make sense to all of us. God has given me specific gifts that match up with Danielle’s needs. Some of them I can’t even explain. I just know God provided it.

So I started that conversation. I will continue it more this week. I know she struggles trusting God. I know that in theory she does, but when it comes down to it, she just doesn’t trust the outcome. She can’t see past her feelings on the here and now to see that God does know what he is doing and he is working behind the scenes. I challenged her to look at her past and she would see that God does know what he is doing and she would see the progress she has made. I don’t really know if it made an impact, but I will continue to try 🙂 I knew that more conversations would need to take place.

So as I was taking Emily to camp I continued to think about it. Because, well that is what I do, I think. I look to future conversations. Future possibilities to make an impact. So I continued to have these internal conversations. I was replaying the conversation we had and wondered what I could say next. I can’t say I can recall everything I thought about. One thing stuck. Trust God and just maybe God will bless you. I kept thinking that I need to convince her to not focus on how she feels right now, but to just trust God. Trust that he knows what he is doing and He IS working behind the scenes. He is working through the people he has put in her life. That someday it will make sense.

But then it hit me. Maybe that IS what I am supposed to tell Danielle. But it also is what I need to tell MYSELF. Trust God and he will bless this situation. I realized that I have been telling myself that I don’t think I can change Danielle’s perception of current situations. That I could try this or that, but in the end, I can’t change how she feels or how she thinks. It was discouraging because it felt like a lost cause. In that moment I knew God was telling me that none of that matters. What matters in that I need to trust Him. That I need to not worry about the outcome, but I do need to worry about who I was trusting. I was convincing myself that I knew what the outcome would be, that I knew better. I was (am) trusting myself.

Sometimes, God uses other people to speak to us and sometimes he uses us to speak to … US!

Finding myself

You know when you have a baby and people stop identifying you by name and you just turn into baby’s mom. The questions and conversation tend to center around your child. You know people still see you. know you and care about you, but it seems like you have lost who you were and are now just mom. I am experiencing something similar. Although it is not others making me feel that way. It’s myself.

I currently have a situation in my life that is consuming me. I have a hard time identifying myself outside of this situation. I relate almost everything to it. I am trying to find my identity outside of it. The situation isn’t improving and I am getting lost. Therefore, I am attempting to take a step back. Unfortunately it isn’t how I am wired and I am struggling to figure out how to step back and not give up (which isn’t in me). The other issue is that although stepping back seems to be healthy, I tend to find myself continuing to push forward. Not to mention I can’t even really define what stepping back would look like. I just know it needs to look different.

For months I have wanted to post a blog but I can’t seem to come up with anything that isn’t concerning this current struggle and it doesn’t seem appropriate to blog about. So I am attempting to write a post about something else. Right now this is the best I have.

Since I am having trouble finding myself (for lack of a better term) I thought I would start with this recent strength finder test I took. My results were Harmony, Achiever, Responsibility, Consistency and Analytical.

Harmony. I was perplexed at the first one because I don’t find myself to be harmonious. I don’t seek out peace or shy away from sharing my feelings. I am however a people pleaser. I am always trying to make a situation work for everyone. I once had a teacher tell me, you can make all people happy some of the time and some people happy all of the time, but you can’t make all people happy all of the time. I tried to argue this theory and prove that I could make people happy all of the time. I can honestly say I have never been successful. I am not sure that I quit trying however, including creating surveys to get everyone’s opinion on a matter 🙂  Maybe it is people pleaser mixed with determination and persistence.

One of the reasons that I didn’t consider myself harmonious is because I am not afraid of confrontation. I don’t like confrontation (who does?) but when it needs done, I am OK doing it. I probably look for other options first, but am willing. I figured out it is because I value justice. When I am OK confronting someone, it is typically because I am looking for justice for someone/something.

I am still really thinking on this harmony trait, but I definitely agreed with the rest.

Achiever. I am not sure that I set out each day to achieve something but I feel it is important. I get things done or accomplish things from mere drive to achieve. I honestly can’t understand people that don’t try to do good work and put forth extra effort to do so. I also typically don’t give up. When I set out to do something I make it work. Some times I take on more than I should, but in the end I make it happen. Sometimes I put things off and don’t dedicate the time to something that I should, but that doesn’t stop me from achieving. For the most part this is good. However, I am finding that it can lead to burning me out. In my current situation, I am trying to figure out how to back off just to give my self some room to breathe. I am struggling with how to do that without giving up totally.

Responsibility. I take responsibility very seriously and I always have. I think it is why I tend to have trouble relating to young people or even some in my own generation that just don’t take it seriously. Some people just seem to have lost the desire for responsibility. I grew up a responsible child. I may have not always had a ton of responsibilities growing up, but my parent knew I made good choices and was responsible for myself and trusted me. I didn’t require a lot of rules, although I am a big rule follower. Maybe that comes with this trait. Maybe my need for responsibility is why giving up or backing off is so tough for me. Once I take something on, I follow it through to completion. This doesn’t always hold true with things I want to do for myself (my lack of discipline steps in). However, when it comes to others (harmony) I follow through. In the description from the test it says that apologies are not enough and excuses and rationalizations are unacceptable. This is 100% true for me. I hate excuses. I struggle with apologies that lack actions or heart. Another thing that I read was that people will look to you first because they know it will get done. I find this to be true a lot and sometimes I even tell people, if it isn’t getting taken care of, let me know, I will make sure it does. When I see something that needs done, I take care of it, whether it is mine to take care of or not. Maybe that makes me not well liked. Maybe that makes me seem controlling, but really I just want things to get done. See, things not getting done or falling through due to no one being responsible, makes me crazy, so I would just rather do it so I know it is done. This is definitely a strength of mine, but I can see how it could either burn me out or rub people the wrong way. Hopefully people know my heart is to help, which I guess is why one of my top spiritual gifts is Helps.

Consistency. I hadn’t really considered this one. I guess who doesn’t like consistency? In the description it talked about lack of balance leading to selfishness. If that is true I can see why this could be a strength. I do have a hard time with selfishness. Next to lying to me, it is super hard for me to handle. Being a rule follower probably fits in here too. I wouldn’t want someone to get an unfair advantage because that doesn’t really match up with the “rules”. After all, the rules should apply to all, not just some. It is frustrating to me to see people get away with breaking rules with no accountability. Again this is probably why with my kids I struggle with grace. Accountability is important to me and so is consistency.

Analytical. Oh boy can I analyze something. Actually everything. Maybe that is partially why I can’t get my mind to shut off. I definitely over analyze. It is part of my logical and realistic nature. There has to be reason and logic to things. I think it is part of my detail oriented nature. I analyze to make sure things work. I check out all the details and make sense of things.

Funny how some of these “strengths” also contribute to my downfalls. I definitely see the pull of my strengths going against people in my life that are the total opposite of these. Now to figure out how to deal with the opposite of these. They say opposites attract, I am not sure I agree.

I can also see how many of these fit together and intertwine. I know that I was given these strengths for a reason. I know that in certain areas of my life I am utilizing them to follow God’s path. However, I know there are areas that I am not doing that too well. I guess I will responsibly analyze this until I figure out how to achieve some consistency and harmony in my own life.

Pushing Through When Fears Tells Me to Run….

Perception is an interesting thing. I never really considered myself an overly confident person. I definitely have struggled with self-esteem through the years, especially in my teenage years. I am sure I am no different than everyone else around me in that regard. I don’t really consider myself to have self-esteem issues now. Not that I don’t beat myself up from time to time or play the comparison game, but for the most part I like myself and I know that I am loved by many, especially Jesus.

Even though I don’t struggle with this often, I also don’t consider myself to be confident. There are things I am confident about but I just don’t think of confidence when I think of myself.

Partially because Danielle has a significant brain development delay, we have many conversations. Maybe that is normal with all teenagers. Our conversations are sometimes long and often repeated. It can be difficult thinking of all the things to teach a young lady since many things that come natural to most of us, wouldn’t to Danielle. I pay very close attention and am very in tune with her and try really hard to cover things I know she doesn’t “get” or things that she struggles with. Honestly, I don’t ever feel like I am done teaching her.  We talk about working hard, confidence and self-esteem often.

Sometimes she says things like, “but you are good at everything” (hence why we talk about working hard) or “You aren’t afraid of anything”. Neither of these are true. Of course I know that. I often explain that it may seem that way, but that isn’t even close to the truth. I am however very glad she sees a side of me that is confident and hope that it rubs off on her.

It makes me think of the “me” that she sees vs the “me” that I see.

Through many years, I considered myself a worrier. I have never really been a “don’t worry about it” kind of person. I am not really the most laid back person in the world. I am constantly thinking of the future. I am not sure I consider that worrying, but I am a planner. I am also realistic so I some may call it worrying, I call it being prepared. 🙂

I don’t really consider myself a worrier now. I am sure some of that is just change in personality and maturity. Some of that is belief in a Jesus. In some regard I just know that worrying doesn’t change anything. In other regards I have faith in God that things will just work out the way they are meant to and everything will just be OK. However, I have also come to realize that although not too many things scare or worry me, when they do, It consumes and cripples me. Those things I am fearful of or lack confidence in definitely hinder me from doing things.

For instance, I am extremely fearful of roller coasters. They bring me NO joy at all and I fear for my life (or throwing up) the entire time. Scratch that. If I knew I was going on a roller coaster, or even that it was a possibility, it would consume and cripple the entire time leading up to the event as well. I can’t let it go. I would avoid it at all costs and if I wanted to give in to make someone else happy, I would be a nervous wreck. I am sure on some level, I couldn’t enjoy it, even if I wanted to, because all I can think about it is how scared I am and how I can stop from dying or being ill.

There isn’t too much that brings me more fear than public speaking. Actually it is more than that. In any group setting, be it life group, Bible study, meeting at work, if I know I need or should say something, it consumes me. As soon as I think of what I want to say (or enter the meeting, if I know it is coming), my stomach is in knots. Chances are my hands are shaking. The weirder thing is that if I just need to say something and I just do it without too much thought or it is just part of conversation, I am fine. But if I need to think about it (or start the conversation), I am freaked out.

I CANNOT figure it out! I am a extremely realistic and logical person. The above scenario makes NO sense. I have no idea what I am afraid OF. I am pretty certain when I am sitting around a living room during life group that these people that I have come to trust and love aren’t going to judge me or say something horrible to me. Yet, I still get so nervous.  I guess it is extremely possible that they will make fun of me, but I can’t think of anything that actually keeps me from speaking.

So in just over a week, I am scheduled to do something that is consuming me. The FCC  Women’s Retreat is one of my favorite weekends of the year. I always look forward to it and have such a wonderful time. This will be my 6th retreat. This year I am the Retreat Coordinator. So it just seems normal that I would have some type of speaking role. That has been on my radar the entire year that I have been working on this event. I think before I even said yes, I knew it was possible. I can’t explain to you how nervous I am about this. Again, I can’t even tell you why! A good amount of the ladies there know me and several I call my friends. I can logically say that although some may tease me because they know this is a big deal to me and that I avoid it, they wouldn’t do or say anything that I should be fearful about. I guess I could fumble over my words and sound stupid. But at the end of the day it will be over in less than 5 minutes and the chance of anyone even remembering what I said is slim to none (expect that my husband has asked it to be recorded).

I have had several people pray for me about this. This week I pray for courage. I ask that God take this fear from me and let me speak the simple words that he wants me to speak. That he allows my opening words to be simple yet inviting and welcoming. I know that if I really wanted it, I could get out of it. I know that I have enough people that would take this from me and do it for me. I also know that I would never choose to do this. I know if it’s going to happen it is because I must. So I am going to do it. I can’t IMAGINE how I will feel leading up to that moment. Hopefully, I can still eat my pie at dinner 🙂 I also pray that getting through this will on some level lessen this fear so that I can freely talk more in groups or public. After all I am certain everyone is sad to be missing all my words of wisdom 🙂

The Slow Reveal

Sometimes when I look back, I see all that has unfolded and I am a bit surprised how much it was. At times it is pretty overwhelming in the midst of it. Other times it just feels like life. Then after time passes and we aren’t in the middle of it anymore, it doesn’t seem so bad. I learned awhile ago that there is definitely times that God slowly reveals bits and pieces of what we are up against. What is in store for us. I think sometimes we think we want to know what the future holds. We want to know it all. Well at least I do 🙂 We think we are ready for it and that it would make life easier if we just knew the outcome. I have come to realize however, that our approach would be way different if we knew what we were going to be up against. Knowing the future wouldn’t make it easier, it wouldn’t make us stronger. On the contrary, I think it would make us weaker and more scared. I think we would miss out on many of the things in life that mold us into who we are and teach us the wisdom we need. It is human nature to want to take the easier road.  So remember the next time you feel that God isn’t revealing enough, just trust Him. Take the leap and realize he will reveal what you need to know, when you need to know it.

Later this month, it will be 5 years since Danielle came to live with us. When I think about the last 5 years, I know that God knew what he was doing (of course) when he didn’t reveal what our future would hold. I know that we were beyond thrilled when this time finally came (although overwhelming with the fall out that was happening right before she came “home”).  However, we really didn’t know what was in store for us. That I am thankful for.

I thought since we are just at about five years since Danielle came to live with us, it would be a good time to review that journey.

A Look at the Past Five Years

Shortly after school started in 2009, Danielle overheard her mom (on the phone) that she was thinking of moving to the Sandusky, Ohio area. Her mom had recently visited an old friend there over Labor Day weekend. This really bothered Danielle. Aside from the the normal reason of not wanting to leave her family and friends, Danielle was upset that she had learned this from overhearing it. Danielle was used to having a “friend” relationship with her mom and couldn’t imagine her mom not telling her first. She felt betrayed. Now I know that isn’t healthy or correct but to Danielle it was normal. The interesting thing is that this is one of the few times that her mom DIDN’T give her too much information. Normally she tells her things before they are in the final stages and either disappoints or excites Danielle for no reason. Things don’t pan out like expected and Danielle is left hurting. Danielle was hurt and angry. We told her (as we always did) that she was always welcome to stay with us. I don’t even remember if we gave much thought to what we would do if she moved away.  We knew Danielle didn’t want to move (partially because of an upcoming school trip to Washington DC) so we hoped that was enough for the transition to our home. I was quite upset that her mom would be willing to uproot Danielle knowing of her school struggles and Danielle’s struggle with change in general. We just kept making sure she knew she was welcome in our home, whether permanently or just for the school year.

Danielle’s mom on several occasions told her not to worry that it would be quite a few months before anything would happen. What was supposed to take months to transform, ended up taking weeks. By mid October, Danielle was living with us. At that point, it was temporary. It was for the school year. Todd and I had always wanted this to be permanent and just knew in our hearts that once she got here she would stay. Thankfully, we were correct. However, that is about the only thing that happen the way we expected.

More Than We Bargained For

Danielle came to our home bitter and upset, which we understood. What I didn’t anticipate was how she dealt with that anger. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t easy. This was a big difference from the Danielle we had been accustomed to. We sometimes dealt with teenage attitude, but not the blatant disrespect, disobedience and anger issues. Danielle was, for the most part, very well behaved for us. In fact, it was a bone of contention between her mom and us because she often wondered why Danielle “put us on a pedestal”. We had our issues, of course, but not near the ones she had at her mom’s home.

Within months, it started to become evident that aside from anger issues, we were also dealing with some brain development issues. We always knew that she struggled in school and of course knew about her health problems. Danielle had an IEP since 3rd grade, so we weren’t clueless to her struggles. We just didn’t realize the extent of it. We didn’t realize how much it affected most areas of her life. However, we were dealing with anger still, which seems to be our focus.

Although not our focus, it was becoming evident that there was more going on with her brain development than what we originally thought. It was a frustrating time, but I kept trying to take note of behaviors and access the situation.  At one point I thought maybe she was high functioning autistic or maybe had Aspergers. I took a lot of time interpreting her behavior, her school work, her interactions with others.   I consider myself fairly observant and intuitive so I just went on high alert and paid even closer attention to what was going on. Then we hit a detour. We had another issue to concentrate on.

Here Comes a Curve Ball

In March of 2009 Danielle decided she wanted to live with us and not move back with her mom once school was out.  We were so happy to see her make this decision. We made sure she was confident so we didn’t get our hopes up prematurely. She was going to visit her mom for a week during spring break. We all decided it would be best to not say anything while she was there, but to wait till she was home. Shortly after she came back, she called her mom and broke the news. It didn’t go over swimmingly, but probably as good as could be expected. It was a relief just to have that part complete.

About a month later, Danielle confided in me that she was abused by her step dad. This came out of left field for us. It wasn’t something we saw coming, but we definitely had to deal with it. As we pondered how to handle it, I received a call from CPS. It was a little confusing, but once I pieced things together, I realized Danielle had also confided in her school counselor, who reported the situation.  CPS became involved and an investigation began. We spent several months on a long roller coaster ride of waiting to see if anything would happen to him. In the end they had no proof, even though everyone that we worked with believed Danielle.

Even though he never paid, there was definitely big losses from this situation. Danielle and her mom’s relationship has never been the same. Her mom never really asked for all of the details or information on the accusations, but in the end she didn’t believe Danielle anyway. That took a couple years to really sink into with Danielle. She gave her mom a free pass for a long time. Danielle also has nothing to do with her step dad anymore and is never in the same location as him. That has made visitations trickier. Danielle sees her mom an average of 3 times a year. The phone calls have decreased and might average once a month now. There was a variety of emotions (and different degrees) from Danielle since this all went down. We worked with her through them as they arose. Some easier to process than others.  I am still not sure her mom realizes the magnitude of what that means or what she has lost.

Source of Influence

2010 was a rough year. The investigation took us into 2010 and we were dealing with that, the counseling that went with it, the fall out of  no charges being filed and the issues with Danielle’s mom.

Since we both worked full time, Danielle was spending close to 4 hours by herself each school day. This limited our time with her to about 3 hours a night. During this time she had a lot of time to think, process and obsess. It wasn’t helpful for her behavior, attitude or self confidence. It became hard to really be in tune with what was going on in her life because she had already downloaded and processed it by the time we were home. She acted out and didn’t really confide in us. I wasn’t able to see the heart of a lot of the issues because I wasn’t around to observe them. School was tough on her both academically and socially.  It was hard to help her with such limited time and understanding. We also had limited influence over what she believed or how she processed things. School, TV and other worldly influences were taking our place. As we learned more about parenting and tried to help change some bad habits, it was hard to get her to “buy what we were selling” because it didn’t line up with what she knew, saw on TV or witnessed at school. I know that the devil was using this situation to his advantage. It was creating wedges in our family where they weren’t already and intensifying ones that already existed. It was becoming increasingly evident to me that because of all of these reasons, the extra time Danielle was spending alone wasn’t good for her, and therefore not good for our family. By the end of the year it was becoming clear that she needed me home more. She needed more attention with her school work. She needed us to be more influential and the worldly influences to be limited. She needed more “mom” time. I needed to be present more.

By the beginning of 2011, all of this with Danielle along with my feelings of incompleteness (as a mother), I started exploring the idea of going part time. During this thought process, someone asked me if I could just stay at home. I laughed that off because there was no way we could afford it. However, that planted the seed. Even though I never thought it was possible, that didn’t stop me from exploring it. After lots of prayer and support from our life group, in March of 2011, we decided that I would quit my job and become a stay at home mom. This was actually something I had always wanted, but never thought would be an option. Towards the end of March, I went in to tell my boss that I was giving them a two month notice and that at the end of May, I would be quitting. Before, I had the chance, they laid me off. At first, I was really upset. I was disappointed, confused, mad, hurt – all of it. However, a little part of me was happy to be done. Although it messed up OUR plan. We had planned to save for 2 more months AND we had a vacation planned at the first of June. We were creating a time table that didn’t line up with God’s plan, so he created a way for my “stay at home mom” days to start sooner. Funny thing is, I CONSIDERED quitting sooner. I remember saying to Todd that I thought maybe Danielle needed me home sooner than May. In the end we decided that May wasn’t that far off and it was best to save the money. God however, had a different plan.

Testing Begins

Once I made the decision to stay home and we got settled in that new way of life, I started spending more time observing Danielle’s actions.  I had concerns for quite some time now, but wasn’t really sure what to do about it. It wasn’t easy being the step mom that comes in and sees all these issues. It was hard to be concerned and not be seen as negative Nancy. I have always been the type that would rather know what I am up against than to have someone sugar coat the reality to make it look/sound better. This is not the normal approach (from what I have seen). In the end I knew I needed to do what was best for Danielle in the long run, even if not the popular choice.  I decided that I really needed to look into this further. It was causing lots of problems at home (behavior), challenges at school and I knew it was going to be a challenge going forward as we looked to Danielle’s future.  I shared my thoughts with her Neurologist who didn’t act on any of my concerns. I sought out a developmental Neurologist. I told her my observations, she evaluated Danielle and then ordered further testing.  In the end, they confirmed there is no autism to worry about. We did find out some more specific information and received a clearer (yet not too clear) picture of what our future looked like. It was in November 2011,  that we really grasped the fact that Danielle had a disability. They let us know that we were looking at SSI and guardianship in her future. This is when our eyes were opened to the idea that Danielle would require extra assistance and her independent living was in question. It was a lot to swallow. Some of which took years to be the right time to discuss with Danielle. We still don’t really know what the future holds. There is no time table to know when she will accomplish certain milestones or steps of adulthood. We just figure it out God reveals it.

God, you want me to WHAT?

By the time we had all the results from these tests and they were explaining things to me about what she needed in school and beyond, God was already preparing our path to home school. That was most assuredly NOT a path I had every considered, let alone planned on. Had you told me this even one year prior to this I would have thought you were crazy. This would not have ever come to pass without the prayer, wisdom and support of our life group. I have no doubt in my mind that without the individuals in the group at that time, this path would have looked different.

So fall of 2012, I took Danielle out of school and I home schooled her for her Junior year. I had so many reasons. There were times that I thought, how did I not do this sooner? How did I not see how harmful school was for her? Danielle was (and still is) influenced very easily. I was putting her in a situation in which it was easy for her to be taken advantage of. I am so thankful God was looking out for her while he was preparing our hearts for home school. I knew that the school work and the teaching methods weren’t working for her. I knew Danielle needed our protection. I also knew she needed our wisdom and teaching instead of soaking in everything the world had to show her.

The process of deciding was a little bit of a challenge. Although we had great support, many other people questioned this decision, especially because of our rocky relationship. I will say others that I expected push back from, supported our decision. By the time the fall came, I knew what we had to do.

In the end, we only home schooled Danielle for a year, but I know in my heart, it was the best decision. That year, although not easy, was well worth it.  By the end of that school year, we found out about a self contained program that would spend more time on life skills and less on academics. That was what I had wanted for Danielle all along. When I first found out, I was a little upset that no one had told me about the program a few years back. However, I know that I wouldn’t have chosen home school if we knew about this option. God’s plan again revealed itself.  He knew she needed that year of home school. That year was as much for her academically and life skills wise, as it was for our family. Our family needed that year, we needed the protection and shelter. We needed each other.

So Danielle spent her senior year back in public school, but in a much more protected environment. It wasn’t perfect by any means. However the life skills and social interaction was a great way for her to finish out her school years. She graduated with her class which was most likely huge for her, even if she doesn’t realize it.

Job Search

In case you are wondering, here is a little update: Next month Danielle will start a job at FCC in their DD Clerical Work Group. This was actually something I have wanted for her for a couple of years. It didn’t look like it was possible. When there was an opening, Danielle wasn’t feeling as convinced as I was. We both prayed about it and she spent a day observing. She wasn’t overly positive going into the observation, but I asked her to keep an open mind. After the observation, she didn’t have anything negative to say, which was quite different from the week prior. I am excited about this opportunity. It might not be what she imagined for herself, but I think she will find it rewarding. The idea that she isn’t working just to make some big company richer is important to Danielle. I think once she really sees that her job isn’t about money, but about providing an opportunity for people to concentrate on their ministry, she will feel that she has purpose. I love that she will have a chance to work for a church she loves. A place where she can see the results. We all know Danielle is valuable and has purpose, but I feel this job will allow her to see it and in turn increase her self confidence.

This wasn’t an easy find. It might seem that way since I already work for FCC and she already attends. We spent months (going back to while she was still in school) working with BVR and Stark DD to find the right next step for Danielle. It isn’t about the end result, but the next step. Last spring we decided that going straight to working in the community was too big of a step. The pressure and stress wasn’t an environment that Danielle would find success. Danielle was presented many options, but not too much that we felt were promising. At first I wondered why this chance didn’t just come up first, but I see now that God needed her to look at other options so that she could feel confident in her choice. The slow reveal again. This way she knows a bit of what is out there and what she needs right now.

The Future

Of course we don’t know what the future will hold. We still have several challenges that we haven’t figured out. Some things we know about and others we don’t. Some things that will be new and some things that have been ongoing. Some of those issues are 5 years in the making. However we are trusting God to reveal that when the time is right.

Present Day

It has actually been quite a bumpy couple of weeks. It has consumed me as of late (which unfortunately, pretty normal for me). However, last week, I saw some Facebook posts from 5 years ago. I was reminded how overwhelmed and stressed that I was 5 years ago when all of this started. Even though I really only knew a slice of that pie, I still felt overwhelmed. Now that initial unknown when Danielle was “maybe” going to live with us and the emotions Danielle was feeling at that time, was just a small part of this journey. So I am trying to focus on how far we have come and how much progress we have made and not how far we still have to go.

God Knew

So when I look back 5 years, I see a roller coaster ride. Here’s the thing, I don’t really like roller coasters – literal or figurative ones. I thank God that He revealed each of these challenges, and each of these paths a little at a time. I think I might have run and hid had I known. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad.  Far from it. We have had our share of  happy family moments. There is a ton of love within these walls. Looking back, I can remember many of the challenges, but when I look at the whole picture, it doesn’t seem so bad. Looking back is much easier than looking forward. Had I seen a list or a time line of all the issues (behavior, development, disabilities – not to mention normal teenage stuff), it would have seemed overwhelming.  Had God revealed that we would take Danielle in, deal with anger/bitterness/disobedience, abuse, CPS, fall out of a mother/daughter relationship, school issues, development issues, finding out about the depths of Danielle’s disability, the emotions dealing with the future of what it means to have a child with a disability, quitting my job, home school, back to school, job search and all of the lovely teenage baggage in between, all of that would have been pretty overwhelming. I am not sure I would have willingly took that on. I think I may have been too scared and lacked confidence in us and ultimately in God to tackle that.

Here is the other thing about this journey. Several months prior to this Todd and I hit a low point in our marriage. I can now see that God needed us to do that so we could address some issues and rebuild some things. We needed that healing time so that we could be stronger to continue out this journey. We have had a lot of challenges in the last five years and we needed a marriage strong enough to endure it.

I am still learning that I need to trust God with this slow reveal stuff. I am a control freak and often feel a need to know. In general I think I would like to know what the future holds. I am a planner by nature and it would be logical to think that if I knew the future, I could plan for it. However I am trying to remember that God knows when I don’t. Plus would I plan for the future, or would I run from it? Maybe I would plan for it, but what learning opportunity would I miss in the mean time? I am glad God is in control because if it was left up to me, I know it would be way different. I would be way different.

God is always there and always working…

Our life group has had two conversations recently that have led me to examine our lives and how God has moved in our lives and brought us to and through change. One week we just simply talked about how the Holy Spirit had moved in our lives. I talked about this briefly in my last post. Then we talked about the seasons of change we have been through. It turns out we have been through MANY in our married life.

2006 and 2009 were both pretty big years for us.

In May of 2006, Danielle had brain surgery. This is something I definitely never thought I would deal with. I mean BRAIN SURGERY. In the past I may have found myself saying things like, “it isn’t brain surgery”. However this WAS brain surgery. What a scary time. Thankfully we are just over an hour away from one of the best hospitals around. Todd and I both turned 30 in 2006. Actually, Todd turned 30 the day Danielle had her 2nd brain surgery.

A short 4 months later two MAJOR life events happened. My princess, Emily Elizabeth, was born! My world will never be the same. I remember getting pregnant and feeling convinced I was having a boy. I actually can’t even imagine that now. I was DEFINITELY meant to have a girl. Little did I know, I would have my complete mini-me! It’s unreal, actually.

That same month, Todd’s dad came back into our lives. He had been away for a long time. Now I can’t even remember those times and am so thankful that he is in our lives.

At the end of 2006, I went back to work (after my maternity leave). It wasn’t easy leaving Emily, but I had it worked out to work part time in the office and part time at home. Thankfully I have a totally awesome sister that was watching her. The day I went back to work,  I was laid off. I was DEVASTATED. I loved being home with Emily but our family couldn’t afford for me not to work (or so I thought).

This was a big turning point. This was a day that I actually thought was REALLY bad, but ended up being really great! God knew what he was doing, when I had no clue. A short time later, a friend asked me to babysit for her 4 days a week. I also worked part time from home for another friend who had her own business. It ended up working really well. I look back now and not returning to that job was one of the best things that happened to me. However, that day, it felt hopeless.  God knew. God was there. God was working. God was taking care of us and molding our lives in a time in which I was absent from His life. He kept loving me and He kept chasing me. He was blessing me in trials and rough times and I ignored Him. I came to know that God worked in our lives that day. Unfortunately, that didn’t draw me to Him. That didn’t make me turn to Him and thank Him. I went on with my life, paying no attention to Him. He continued to bless me anyway.

Like all parents we experienced new territory. We had our struggles. We had our joys, of course. For the most part, the next 2 1/2 years were uneventful (aside from the revelation of food allergies). I am sure there was lots of change that just doesn’t seem all that important or memorable. 2007 and 2008 were definitely uneventful when compared to 2006 and also 2009.

2009 was full of ups and downs. It started out pretty rough.  Really rough, actually. Todd was laid off in February and ended up being laid off for 8 months. This came out of the blue.  This was another time that I probably asked WHY a lot. It didn’t make sense and it really turned our lives upside down. I went back to work more and eventually full time. Todd was working EXTREMELY part time for Kohls. Todd was able to get some great quality time with Emily, who was 2 1/2 at the time.

As if this layoff wasn’t enough, Todd and I were also really struggling in our marriage. Both of these hit us like a ton of bricks at the same time. Literally, one of the biggest fights we have ever had, happened the same weekend that Todd got laid off (but the two had nothing to do with each other) and by the way, that was Valentines Day weekend. Everything seemed to be crumbling. Little did I know, it was the complete opposite of crumbling.

I was working, but still part time (for the next 3 months) and much of that was from home. We had just started back to church. Thank God we started back to church. That was definitely one thing that was going right.  Todd and I were able to spend a lot more time together during these 3 months because he wasn’t working.

Looking back, I know that Todd being laid off was one of the things that saved us. Had we not had that extra time together, extra quality time to work through issues, I am not sure what would have happened. I can definitely see the blessing in this loss of job even though at the time, it seemed like the worst thing for us.

Again, God knew what He was doing, when I had no clue.  During one of the lowest times of our married lives, God showed up and worked through us. We still didn’t have much of a relationship with Him.  God found us right where we were, even though we didn’t know how to love Him. He loved us. He loved us and led us to Him and each other at the same time.

In October or 2009, Todd found a new job. He has been at that job ever since. We were in a much better place. We were faithful, regular attenders of FCC. Our relationship with Jesus was growing and growing. Both of us were working full time. Our marriage was back on track.

It’s a good thing because later that month, Danielle (age 14) came to live with us full time, which turned into permanently. Funny thing is that this was something we had wanted and prayed about for years, but ended up being one of the hardest things we encountered. Thankfully Todd and I were solid, or this may have broken us. It was just a lot more difficult than we planned. Danielle came with a lot of baggage.  Little did we know that behavior and anger issues were just part of what we would be dealing with.

With in a month or so we were joining a life group. Another thing that was perfect timing. Todd and I had no way of knowing it at the time, but joining this group had little to do with wanting to get connected and a lot to do with how much we would need this group in the coming months and years. Our life group not only grew us in our relationship with God, but supported and guided us through some really tough times. I don’t think they will ever know how much we needed them and how much they held our hand through the next few stages of life.

2009 didn’t exactly end with perfection, but we were on an upswing, even if, at the time, we couldn’t see it. Like so many other times, God was there and He was working.

How Life Group Shaped our Family

For the first 8+ years of our relationship, Todd and I barely entered a church building. Church wasn’t new to either of us, it just wasn’t a focus during this particular time. This bothered me a lot in the beginning but the 2nd half of that 8 years, it just became normal. In February of 2009, our family went back to church.  To be honest, I became so comfortable in our life/routine that I didn’t even want to go back. It wasn’t any issue I had with God or church, I just didn’t want to make the effort. Todd asked me to go back and I although I really had not desire, I agreed. To be honest, I don’t know why. God must have spoke for me that day. Todd had mentioned before that we should go back, but I always blew it off. I never said no. It was kinda like, yeah we should, but I dropped it and it never happen. This time was different.

2009 was a tough year for our family. Todd experienced an eight month lay-off, our marriage was in a low place and later that year Danielle came to live with us full time (a blessing, but a challenge). Going back to church was exactly what we needed to hold our family together and I am so very thankful that we responded to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

Recently our life group discussed times in our lives that Spirit has moved in our lives, whether good or bad. Basically this was a way God had stepped into our lives to guide us down a certain path. Sometimes that initially seems bad. Maybe you locked your keys in the house and think your morning started out on such a bad note, but then you find out there was a bad accident on your way to work that could have been you. This is a simple example but you get the idea. Maybe you didn’t get a job you really hoped for, but a better one came later.

I actually struggled with this question, but maybe not how you are thinking. I actually had SO many examples. BIG examples that were life changing. Maybe we all have so many of those moments but it was a little overwhelming (in a very encouraging way) how much God has changed our lives.

Recently I decided I wanted to blog more. The problem is I don’t feel like I have enough to say (that you want to read). I don’t really feel like I have enough wisdom to impart on you. I don’t know that I can see a purpose in why you would read this. I still don’t. But I am going to write anyway. Actually, it might be for my own personal growth. I actually have no idea the purpose, it is just often on my heart to do so.

I wanted to blog about some of the bigger moments that the Holy Spirit had moved in our lives. Like I said earlier, there are many. However I thought I might start just by sharing about our life group. However I will share those other moments in the near future.

So there we were, February of 2009, and we are attending First Christian Church. It is a huge building with a pretty big congregation. I had always gone to and preferred smaller churches. The amount of people was overwhelming. Todd and I were bringing ourselves out of a tough time in our lives. As that year progressed  and fall was approaching, we realized we wanted to connect to more. We wanted to meet some of the congregation. We knew no one! We just went for service and left. We really enjoyed the service, but we weren’t connecting. But trying to do that in such a big church was intimidating. There was always a big push to join a life group. Honestly, I don’t even think I knew what that was. We decided that was the route we would go to try and get connected, again without really knowing what it was or why we were doing it. We missed the “event” that was held to get people plugged into a life group. So after some emails, I got an email from Scott Rosen, one of the pastors at FCC, inviting us to their life group.

I don’t know about you, but the thought of joining a life group with a PASTOR was incredibly intimidating. He wasn’t our lead pastor, at the time, but still he was a PASTOR. He probably had everything figured out and would take one look at our past and present lives and deem us unworthy of his life group. Of course we came to find out that this was such a flawed way of thinking, but it certainly was the thoughts that went through my head.

As I am writing this, I am realizing that I am quite surprised that we even went. Todd and I are pretty introverted. A new social situation with new people is incredibly uncomfortable for me, without the whole he’s a pastor piece of the equation. Just another thing that I am not sure why I agreed, but I did. BEST DECISION.

Todd and I got it worked out with our schedule, got his parents to watch the girls and start attending this life group. There was probably 8 people in the group at the time. Most were married, but not all. I was incredibly nervous and probably want to take back everything I said that night.

If we weren’t nervous enough, here we are day 1 with these new people and Scott asked Todd and I to tell our story. To tell our story, to the Pastor, his wife and the rest of these strangers. You see, I am very open. Todd is not. I usually go past what Todd would want me to talk about. I think he just lives with the fact that I have a certain circle of friends that I share things with. He doesn’t ever ask what, probably because he doesn’t want to know 🙂 So here I am, they are asking our story and I don’t know what is OK to say and what isn’t!!! I don’t know, what can I say that is letting them know more about us without letting them know the messy stuff that will make them cringe. We were honest, but I am CERTAIN we left parts out.

Week after week, we got more and more comfortable. My understanding that no one really has it together and that pastors are human flawed beings like the rest of us grew. Todd and I have been part of that life group ever since October 2009. We are getting to start our 5th year in that group. SO much has changed over the years. The only thing that really has remained the same is Todd and I. Each cheer the members change. Some leave for one reason or another and others join us. We have changed the frequency (every week, every other, three times a month). A little over a year ago, the leaders moved away and Todd and I took over. That was incredibly intimidating, and honestly it still is. I still don’t know that we are fully equipped to lead a life group (Sorry Todd!). However, here we are doing it anyway.

Our life group has meant the world to us. I get very emotional about it and people often make fun of me for it. I actually can’t even explain why. The amount of changes our life went through and the amount of influence different members have given us over the years is amazing.

As I mentioned, we changed the frequency of our meetings over the years. Each summer we would discuss how we would handle summer and what would we do in the fall. I often “joked” that we should meet twice a week, but no one jumped on that one. That just was my way of saying how much these people meant to my life. We are like family. Family that confides in one another and inspires each other. Family that is there for support in a nonjudgmental way. Family that loves unconditionally. Family that is there to help whenever needed, whether it be moving, spiritual growth, prayer. You name it, this kind of family will always be there for you.

It has seen many many changes over the years, but it still provides such a huge importance and blessing to our lives. I am eternally grateful that Scott emailed me and invited us to his group. Our lives have never been the same. I know without a shadow of a doubt that it has shaped who we are and what path we have taken. There are so many things that have happen in the last 5 years that I know wouldn’t have happen without this group. God strategically placed certain people in this group at certain times that fit so well. There are certain people that I might even think were put in that group specifically for Todd and I and our journey.

If you aren’t in a life group, I highly recommend it. It can seem trivial and unimportant, but I can tell you it is life changing. It is not just a group of friends hanging out. It is about doing life together. It goes beyond our weekly meetings. I would be lost without our group. I literally cry almost every time someone leaves (the group, not like for the night). 🙂

Blogging…NOT my forte!

So I guess my blogging is similar to my journaling, very sporadic. Its been almost a year since I have posted. Not that I think you were hanging on the edge of your seat waiting to hear from me. Thought I would give you an update. Maybe, just maybe, I could do better at this…??

Danielle had a successful senior year at Perry High School. We found a program that seemed to be a good fit for her, so we decided she would finish out her schooling back at Perry after taking a year off to homeschool. We are officially parents of a graduated adult.  WHAT? Where did the time go?

 

     

We are now working with Stark DD and BVR (Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation) to figure out the next step. We went on a few tours, Danielle did an assessment and we have had meetings. Next step – some job shadowing. They feel Danielle is ready for employment in the community. Her favorite job that she did during her assessment was child care. We don’t know for sure that is where she will end up, but they felt with how she interacts withe people (AKA she likes to talk) coupled with her manners that she would be good in the service industry, which includes child care. There are lots of jobs out there that Danielle doesn’t know about. So the next step is just to see some jobs.  After that they will see what is out there at her level of ability, help her with applications and interviewing process and help her find a job. I don’t anticipate that to be quick. They will then job coach her as long as that is needed. They back off once she “gets it”. However, they are always involved on some level. If she needs additional training, then can step back in and coach again. We look forward to the end result, a job. Its a long process. We have been working on it really since her sophomore year. Of course most of it was done her senior year. It is just a long process!

I think once she has a job that she can call her own, she will gain some confidence. There is still a part of me that thinks she needs to start with a smaller step than straight to the community, but I am going to trust the process.

Since my last post (which was a long time ago, so of course MUCH has happen), I took a different position at First Christian Church. I am now the Administrative Assistant to our Lead Pastor. It kind of came out of nowhere and I was quite surprised when the opportunity presented itself. However, it is going very well and I am very happy!

Emily goes to work with me which is such a blessing! I am still homeschooling her. She does her work at church at a desk right next to me. She is the perfect child for this scenario. Not to say that she is perfect, of course, but that it just works really well. She is quiet, as everyone knows and many days people don’t realize she is there. I will be on the look out for a curriculum that will promote independent learning. Emily is a great learner and it is what works for us at this stage. She didn’t really like the computer thing as I thought she would. My goal is just to make sure she is on track and we didn’t miss anything. I haven’t had one full curriculum yet so I am hoping to find that this school year. However, I do love Saxon math, so I don’t know if I can give that up.

Todd has taken on the lead on a project at work for their new computer software system. It has a name, but it escapes me right now. He is traveling more, but I am proud of him. He is also just enjoying the process even though some of the day to day stuff is harder to get done when he is away. They just hired another dispatcher which should help.

Lastly, Todd and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in June! We went to beautiful Jamaica!

Back to School…

Well tomorrow is the day! Danielle starts goes back to school tomorrow.

We have processed through a lot of thoughts and nerves over the last month or so. I think we are in a good place. Some of her original fears and concerns are disappearing. I am sure new ones will creep up, but that is OK. We have talked about submitting to this path God has her on and keeping an open mind, even if things don’t go the way she is used to. We are working on starting our day with a prayer of thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for those things that don’t really look like things we should be thankful for. Thanking God for those trials and difficult situations that shape and mold us into a better person as we grow and mature. I am hoping that starting her day off trying to turn negatives into positives will create a culture where she can turn her negatives into positives. Danielle needs that. Her nature is to be negative, so I pray that she can start to see the positive to situations. That she can be that positive light for others.

Danielle says she is excited and I know that she is excited. However, I know tomorrow will also be filled with some nerves and some change. I just pray it is a good day.

We have made some great progress this summer. Actually we have made some great progress this year. Some things don’t seem that different but some definitely are. I am so thankful for this year of homeschooling. This year that I had so much time with her. Time that we really needed. Times that were tough, times that we both learned a lot, but good times. I know with out a doubt that we needed that year away from distractions, away from worldly influences. I know she is stronger and I know I understand her better. I hope she also understands things better, understands herself better.

So now I have to give up some control. I can’t be involved in every situation. I can’t always be the answer. I hope that she is able to communicate about her day and her interactions so I can help her process through things and help her continue to grow as a person.

Emily and I won’t start homeschooling till after Labor Day. So it is nice to have some extra time just her and I. She is a little less high maintenance so she sometimes doesn’t get the attention she deserves 🙂